When Do You Speak Up

When do you speak up, and when do you stay silent? 

Jesus said to first remove the log from your own eye before helping someone with the speck in theirs. In this episode, we explore the tension of loving people who seem blind to their own patterns and mistakes. 

We’ll talk about hurt, wisdom, relationships, and why some people are firefighters—showing up in a crisis—while others are gardeners who intentionally nurture relationships over time. 

Most importantly, we’ll discover the difference between trying to change people and learning how to love them well, even when they don’t change.

Check out our YouTube Channel “You Finishing Well” and our website: www.youfinishingwell.com 

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Stay strong, pure, and like Christ - Thanks for taking the journey with me! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everybody, and welcome back to my podcast, You Finishing Well. So today I wanted to ask a question that I think a lot of parents of adult children might ask when do you actually say something to someone that you might have a conflict with? When should that happen? Let's talk about that. You know, I guess whatever's going on in your world, uh this could be a hot potato topic. And if it's not, trust me, it's probably going to come up sooner than you think. But who in your life needs some wise advice? Maybe, maybe they even need a reprimand. And when should you actually say something? Now I'm going to read you a Bible verse that if you're a church person, you're going to know this really, really well. But don't just uh say, oh, I know all about this. I want to dig into this a little deeper, but it comes from Matthew 7, 3 through 5. And Jesus himself said, Why do you notice the speck of dust in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, Let me take that speck out of your eye when there's a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then, this is important, then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. First of all, I think it's kind of interesting. It's a log in ours and a smaller speck in theirs. And if you go to the Hebrew language, those are even more elaborate or more demonstrative. But anyway, most of us know the passage, and I wonder sometimes if we think we know it so well we sort of misunderstand it. Because I don't think Jesus is saying, never help your brother with a speck. I think he's saying, first, take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly. The goal was not silence. The goal, I think, is a little more humility and clarity. And most importantly, and boy, do I need to hear this, love. And I think it kind of raises a deeper and bigger question: when do you say something to someone you love? Because you can really see their future. When do you see a pattern developing in a child, maybe even an adult child in my case, or probably yours, or a friend, I have some of that, or a spouse, a sibling, or just somebody that is very close to you. Maybe you see them drifting from relationships, maybe they're becoming isolated, or maybe they're investing all of their time into work or hobbies or projects or entertainment, or maybe even a small circle of friends while, listen, while they neglect the people who love them the most. And that might be you. So it really kind of gets under your skin, right? Maybe they only seem to reach out when they need something. Maybe they're good people, but and but maybe they'd even stop on the side of the road and help a stranger. But somehow they just never seem to nurture the deeper relationships in their lives. I mean, do you know someone like this? Are you that person, maybe? So here's the truth: some people are just firefighters. They run toward emergencies, they show up when something's burning, when there's a crisis, when somebody needs rescued, when something has to be fixed. They're firefighters. And that's that's not a bad thing. I mean, we need firefighters, but if you're a fire fight, firefighter, I want you to listen to me on this. Relationships are not built by firefighters alone. Listen, relationships are built by gardeners. And gardeners water and they prune and they show up when there's really no emergency. They understand that something living has to be, listen, tended to over time. Not just rescued when it's almost dead or when it entertains you. And that's where I think a lot of people, I'm including myself, and different relationships really struggle. I mean, they may know how to respond to a crisis, but they're typically not people who know how to cultivate a relationship. And they may even be someone that would, I mean, they'd help a stranger, they'd give to a cause, they'd show up for a friend in an emergency, they'd even work hard when something needs to be done. But they really don't call. They don't check in, they don't listen, they don't sit, they don't give their time, or ask questions, or apologize, or encourage, or stay connected, or even even approach a serious conversation. They're avoiders. So this is, I think we already know this, but this is really where real relationships are formed. But here's the struggle, I think. You and I see it, you worry about it, you wonder if it's ever going to affect their future, or maybe their marriage, or kids, or friendships, or even their relationship with God. In fact, you can almost see where the road leads because you have lived enough life to know that these kind of relationships just don't maintain themselves. They require intentional investment and time. But then another thought kind of enters your mind, maybe if you're a stand-up speaker person like me. Am I really seeing this clearly, like the Bible verse says? Or am I just hurt or am I just frustrated? And is this really about them, or is it really more about me? And I think this is where Christ's words become very important before we speak. We must first, gosh, this is so easy to say and so hard to do, but we must first examine our own hearts. Because sometimes the hurt is real. Maybe you've been overlooked, or maybe you've been ignored, or forgotten, or maybe taken for granted. Maybe you've invested time and money and prayer and energy and love into someone, and the relationship just feels one-sided. I mean, do you feel that way? The pain is real, and pretending it doesn't exist doesn't help anybody. So I'm not even suggesting that at all. But the apostle Paul one time wrote in Ephesians 4 31 listen, do not become bitter or angry. And I think we already know this, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Bitterness often begins when a legitimate hurt remains unresolved. So before you and I speak, and boy, am I talking to a person who talks, I'm trying to learn that we must ask ourselves the hard question. Am I really trying to help this person? Or am I just trying to make them see the truth? Or am I just speaking out of love? Or am I just am I just frustrated? And do I really want restoration and growth in their life? Or do I want some kind of validation? And once I think you and I have done that kind of work, there still may be a legitimate concern. And sometimes we really do see a blind spot that someone we love just doesn't see. You know, the Bible, I'm not going to go through them, but there are many, many stories where people, wise people, were helping others see what they cannot see themselves. And let me just say this to you folks, getting advice from someone. Is it possible? Don't jump to agreement or disagreement. I would say hit the pause button and contemplate is what they're saying true? Don't just jump to defense. I mean, Proverbs 9 9 says, the wise, listen, the wise listen to advice and they become wiser. So the challenge is that most people, when we talk to them, this is a truth, they they just don't change. I mean, most people see it as you're trying to point out a flaw. And usually change only comes, listen, when the consequences of that flaw finally become painful enough that finally they're willing to listen. I've always said the only time people change is when they are sufficiently disturbed. So if you're trying to talk to someone in the middle of a crisis or when you're angry, or I mean, you have to probably first ask the question, are they sufficiently disturbed? And I really think that's why wisdom is often less about correcting people, and it's more about planting seeds and really, I mean, really trying to help, not criticize. So instead of delivering a lecture, you just might make your conversation sound more like an observation. So instead of maybe condemning them, we might just share what we have learned. Instead of saying, you know, I think you're doing this wrong. Instead, maybe we should say, you know, here is something that life has taught me. And I just want to share it with you. Because sometimes the seed, I mean, when you're trying to share these things, it just doesn't stick. And you need to realize this as you're sharing. All you and I are doing is delivering a message. Because sometimes the seeds just don't take root immediately. They don't. Sometimes it takes years. And listen, sometimes when you are planting a seed, sometimes the seed never takes root. So if you're a parent or a grandparent or you've got friends and or mentors, I think this entire, well, when to speak and when to be silent is for me, it's incredibly difficult. We, I mean, many of us who just have that gift, we can see the train coming around the bend, right? We can see the dangers. We we really do want to spare people that we love from unnecessary pain. Yet we eventually discover that not every lesson, listen, not every lesson can be taught by wise people like you and me, or at least we think we are. Some lessons must be learned, and they must be learned the hard way. And I personally think that the best way to learn is from reading and from wise people. But that doesn't work for everybody. And that's where faith, listen, we're gonna make a turn here. That's where faith enters the picture. It just does. The father and the prodigal son's story, and you're probably familiar with it, he didn't chase that boy out into the country. He loved him, he prayed for him, he waited for him. And when the son was finally ready to come home, there was the father standing there with the open arms. Man, that's that's so easy to talk about, and that's frankly easy to preach. That is not easy to live, is it? So I but I do think there's a lesson in it for all of us, especially me, because man, I'm just a stand-up speak up guy, especially more so my younger years. But sometimes God calls us to speak, and sometimes he calls us to be silent. Sometimes he calls us to plant a seed. Sometimes, listen, sometimes he just simply calls us to love someone through the consequences of their own choices. And the real question really isn't, do they have a speck in their eye? I think the real question is, have I dealt with the log that's in my own eye? I mean, my log is I have I'm impatient, I'm critical, I want to stand up and speak up, especially when it's happening and I'm frustrated. I mean, it's just true. Maybe the greatest wisdom of all of this is to learn that there are two kinds of wisdom. There's a wisdom that changes people, and then there is a wisdom that helps us love people who just don't change. Or at least they're not interested in changing yet. You know, at the end of the day, I think the most powerful thing that we can do is to ask, and this is gonna sound a little churchy, but just ask God to change them. I mean, like right now, God, will you change them? And will you change the the shortcomings and the log that I have in my own eye? I wanna just let it go and lash out. But change that in me and help them see truth. Bring someone in their life that will bring them truth. I mean, it's the better way. Because here's why. God will respond. This is where faith comes in. In the most perfect way, if you and I will hit the pause button and just pray. You know, most of us spend our lives wanting to change others. I don't know why. We just think we're high and mighty. However, I think what God is interested in is you and I changing and maturing and learning to love people who, frankly, are not ready to change. And I know it sounds a little churchy, but I think it's the better way. So I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. I need to work through these things personally. They're very heavy for me. And so here's my prayer. God, for me, and maybe for those who want to say something too, like me, just give us your eyes and give us your heart. And most importantly, give us your loving discernment. And let us pause, let me pause until that emotion passes. Instead, help me pray about it and then and then make our decision whether to remain silent or to speak up. And if we speak up, help me always do it in love with hopes to help them and help them know what I have learned, not criticize them or judge them. And I pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen. Okay, guys, have a beautiful day, and I'll talk to you next time.