How To Repair A Struggling Relationship

Why does it seem like the same conflict keeps resurfacing no matter how many times you try to fix it?

 In this episode, Tim explores why what feels minor to you can feel enormous to someone else, and why real repair takes both people, not just one. 

Drawing from Scripture, honest self-examination, and hard-won counseling experience, Tim unpacks what it actually means to love, forgive, and rebuild trust the way God designed it.

Check out our YouTube Channel “You Finishing Well” and our website: www.youfinishingwell.com 

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Stay strong, pure, and like Christ - Thanks for taking the journey with me! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey everybody, and welcome back to my podcast, You Finishing Well. And my name is Tim Owen. Recently, I have been talking about relationships. Do you have any strained relationships in your life? Well, if you've been following my Facebook and my blogs, I've been writing about it, but today I want to put a capstone on it. How do you repair a challenged relationship? Let's talk about that. So I guess I want to ask, what do you do when the person that you've been avoiding maybe for years, they just don't see the problem the same way that you do? I mean, you kind of think it's small. You think it may be old news. Maybe you think I I said I was sorry. Maybe you've said you're sorry many times. Why are we still here? You're kind of thinking to yourself. But to them, it's not a two out of ten, it's a nine. But to you, it's a two. So what do you do about that? Well, first of all, I want to say until you and I understand the gap between the two and the nine, you and I will never repair what is broken between us. So I want to talk today about something that every single one of us is carrying, or I think we are, is a relationship that may be strained. And maybe it's still strained. Well, here's the first thing that I hope all of us hear, and I speak to myself about this. Their pain, listen to this closely, their pain is real to them, even if it doesn't make sense to you and me. You and I do not get to decide how much something should hurt someone else. Do you hear me on that? You and I do not get to decide how much they should feel their hurt. And because I just don't think that's humility. I don't think that's empathy. I think that's kind of arrogance wearing the mask of logic. Somehow just in your head, you're like, well, this just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I'm telling you, I can do that so quickly. And here's why I think we do that. It's so much easier to point out the speck in someone else's eye than to frankly, listen, to deal with the log that's in our own. I mean, Jesus even said it in Matthew 7, 3. Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? Somehow we just seem to size up their offense in high definition when we really look at our own offenses, or I mean, really with the lights turned off. And if we're honest, most broken relationships, I don't know about you, I'm just going to speak for me. Somehow we become the judge, the jury, and somehow it always seems to rule in my own favor, like I'm the better guy. None of us has the right to demand payment for someone else's sin. I don't know if you agree with that. I think only God has the right to demand payment for a sin. But why? Because we've all sinned. We all, all of us have fallen short. And when you're standing there, or I speak to myself too, requiring someone to pay in full before you're going to offer an ounce of grace? I mean, I don't know. I think you've stepped into the judge's seat, and it's not your seat, and it's not mine. You know, I think the Bible, golly man, it just gives you so much insight and it gives us a great framework. Solomon once wrote, and man, this is the one I struggle with. I hope you hear me clearly on this. In Ecclesiastes 3 7, he's laying out this thing. There's a time for all of these things to take place in the world. And he says, there's a time to be silent and a time to speak. Oh man, I think you got to speak every time. Because I'm going to be honest with you, this is the one that I fell at the most. My pattern has always been act first, speak first, pray later. I mean, I'm just being honest with you. I typically will speak before I've asked God if I should speak. I'll I mean it's just true. I send the text, I make the call, I say the thing. I don't, I mean, like, uh it's like, oh my gosh, I wish I could grab that and put it back in my mouth. And then afterward, maybe hours later, it occurs to me that I never stopped to pray about it. Or should I just be quiet? I mean, it's true. And I can tell you from experience that just blurting out or speaking up, it does not work well for me. Prayer isn't supposed to be some kind of cleanup crew that comes in after I've already made the mess with my tongue. I mean, it's just true. Most of us, I think, have the same order backwards. We speak when we should be silent, defending ourselves, we're explaining ourselves, we're correcting the memory of the events. I mean, we just do. And we go silent when we should speak up. And we avoid the hard conversations, and we just kind of let time pass, and we think, um, well, that's healing. I'll just let time pass. It'll just heal. And it doesn't always work that way. Time doesn't always, I know there's a cliche for that, but it doesn't. It doesn't always heal the wounds. I mean, it just kind of burrs deeper and then it gets infected. So when do you and I speak? When do you stay quiet? And here's a simple test. Listen to me very carefully with this. And by the way, I'm not claiming that I have mastered this, okay? But if you're about to speak to defend yourself, just be quiet. And if you're about to speak to own up to your own part, well, maybe that's the time to speak. You know, every single time, but before either one, either one of these scenarios, pray. Just pray. Ask before you act, not not after. Trust me on that one, man. I have screwed up way too many times. Now, here's where it can get a little uncomfortable because this isn't just a one-sided message, okay? And I'm not telling you to go grovel and take all the blame and I mean, listen to me closely. Every relationship that heals, listen, it requires both people to do something. Not one person doing all the work while the other one just kind of sits around to see if they have done it yet or have done enough. So, what is your contribution? What's it supposed to look like? You know, Jesus said in Matthew 7, and even if you're not a Bible believer, these truths still apply. Do for other people what you would like them to do for you. You've always heard the golden rule, right? Treat people the way you want to be treated. I think that's it. I think that is your and my part. So, what would you want to be forgiven for and how quickly? Or would you like to be just forgiven as you earn it inch by inch? I mean, would you want someone to assume the best about you or assume the worst? So treat them the way you want to be treated, if the roles were reversed. And I personally think that single sentence, if you take it serious, ends most of the standoffs that we call relationships. Does it? I think it does. Now let me kind of clear something up. Love, respect, and trust, they are not the same thing as forgiveness. And they don't work the same way. Listen, respect and trust get rebuilt slowly over time through consistency. Listen, if you've wrecked my car three times in a row, I may have forgiven you, but I might not trust you with my car keys. And I think that's kind of normal. I think it's healthy. You don't hand someone your trust overnight just because they said the right words. But love, listen, love is different. Love is not earned, it's given. And it's given freely. Before trust is rebuilt, before the respect returns, God doesn't wait for us to rebuild our trustworthiness before he loves us. I mean, he gave us Jesus while we were yet in sin. He gives us love and grace and his time every single day before we even deserve any of it. It's just true. Recently I wrote a letter to someone I love, someone I've been trying to rebuild a relationship for a very long time. And in that letter, I kind of used a picture that I think a lot about, and then follow me on this. And I I said to this person, I want you to imagine if you, I guess I should turn that off on my phone, huh? If if you want a relationship with me, imagine if you say this to someone. If you want a relationship with me, you know where I live. And and my part and the contribution for the reconciliation, I'll be at home waiting on you. I mean, would you call that reconciliation? I I don't think you would. I think that's an open door that frankly nobody's going to be walking through. That's a that's a good way to offend someone, in my opinion. Reconciliation, putting back what's broken, okay? Isn't one person swimming across the river while the other one stands on the bank and just watches? That's not reconciliation. It's two people choosing to cross the bridge together. Somebody's got to contribute. Both people need to contribute. And if you're waiting for the other person to swim the whole river all alone before you'll even step on the bridge, I don't think you're practicing love. I just don't. You're practicing judgment with good manners. You might even be nice in the way you say it. You know, Jesus once asked, the most important or said, the most important command in all of Scripture was to love God completely. But the second one, the second most important command compared to every command in the Bible, the second most important to loving God was to love your neighbor as you love yourself. How do you and me love ourselves? Well, we're patient with ourselves, we're generously forgiving for ourselves. I mean, we can we can even have a hundred excuses for our own failures. I mean, truly, that's how we love ourselves. And this single command, if we will live it out, it will resolve, listen, it will resolve almost every single broken relationship you ever have or will have. It just will. You know, I am definitely the pot calling the kettle black. I mean, I am. I mean, I am tough, man. I am hard, I'm impatient, I can even get really cocky and just mean. I had a relative, a father-in-law tell me one time, you know, Tim, when you get mad, you know, here is here's the game changer for me. And why do I believe that love should be free? It's not something that someone has to earn. And it's really because that's exactly what Jesus Christ said. He said, the one who is forgiven only a little loves only a little. That's Luke 7.47. And you and I, if you're a believer, have been forgiven for so much. So I should love much, not because I'm a good man, because I have been shown grace I have never deserved. And once you've truly received it, you can't help but hand it back out to the people around you. You just can't. I'm sure you've heard the Lord's prayer and you know the line, forgive us for our sins. We're praying to God to forgive us for our sins, but listen, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us, it's actually tying God's forgiveness for you directly to your forgiveness to them. Are you are you catching what I'm throwing? His forgiveness that you're praying, if you pray that prayer, is tied to how you forgive other people. And here's the part I think we can skip by too quickly in wrapping this up. You cannot manufacture real forgiveness on your own strength. Boy, I hope you're still with me. You can grit your teeth, you can say the right words, you can have that fake smile, but actual forgiveness, the kind that actually heals instead of just performs, it only comes, listen to me very carefully, because I've experienced this in my life. It only comes from one source. In Ephesians 4 32, bear with me, be kind and loving to each other and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ. So I want you to notice the order. Forgive just as God forgave you and me. Not for not forgive because you've built up enough willpower. You are handicapped if you do not own the Holy Spirit. That means you're a follower of Christ. And I really mean that. On your own, you and I can manage forgiveness kind of like a New Year's resolution. You're determined for a week and then somehow it's gone. But when the Holy Spirit enters someone's body, the Holy Spirit does work that you have never been able to do. Let me read you a little verse out of Galatians 5.22. The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit. So when the when the Holy Spirit's in your body, it produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control. It just goes on. And if you want to forgive someone, unless you have the Holy Spirit, you don't possess those tools. You just are kind of pulling up your bootstraps and doing the best you can. Patience and kindness, they're not personality traits that we're born with. They're just not. They are grown inside of us by the Holy Spirit. So here's the practical part. If you have a relationship right now that is strained, I want you to ask yourself two simple questions. What is my responsibility in rebuilding this broken relationship? Not their responsibility, yours. What is my responsibility? Question number two. Have I asked the Holy Spirit to do what I cannot do on my own? And if you're sitting there like, man, I have no idea what accepting Jesus is about, or I didn't know the Holy Spirit lived inside of a body once they become a Jesus follower, then reach out to me and I'll explain what all of that means. Google it, chat GPT it. But that's the only way that you're going to forgive from the heart. Have you asked the Holy Spirit to do what you cannot do? And you don't need the whole relationship fixed today. You just need to draw a line. You just need to right start and just take one honest step. And here's what I think nobody tells us about that particular start line. It starts small. It's always small. It's a text, it's a phone call, it's a visit that you've talked yourself out of a million times. And here's the thing: you will fail. When you try to reconcile a relationship, there will be some failure on their part, on your part, and you're gonna draw that line again. Listen to me. And you're gonna cross it, and you're gonna keep drawing the line, and you'll fail, and you draw another line. And one day you're gonna look back at all of it, all the failures, all the restarts, and you're gonna see all those lines, and you still will not be where you want to be. I'm telling you, I'm I've lived this life, but you won't be where you were. I mean, that's a beautiful thing. And and I just don't think that's nothing. So if you have never surrendered your life to Jesus Christ, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, that is where it begins. You're gonna keep fighting this thing, keep trying to pull up your bootstraps. You want them to pay you back, or you or they want you to pay them back. And I'm telling you, that will net you, no one is capable of doing all that. And you're not gonna fix this without Christ and without the Holy Spirit. You just won't. Somehow, I know you can't maybe fathom this if you're not a believer, but it's a miracle. When you become a believer, you actually become, listen, you become a new creature. You get a new heart, a new mind, a new desire. You think, you evaluate, you process completely different. And if you have tried and failed and you just can't overcome, I'm telling you, the one thing that you have not really done is made Jesus Christ your Lord. That means you do what he says, that means forgive as you've been forgiven, and your savior. Everybody loves the savior part. Save me so I don't go have to go to hell. But it's the Lord part that we fight. So just think about that. And here's the prayer: Lord, forgive me for my sins. I don't understand it all, but I want you to be my Lord. Not my anger, not making them pay me back, and I'm the judge and the jury. I want you to be my Lord. I want my sins forgiven, and I want to be able to forgive their sins as much as you have forgiven mine. Please help me in Jesus' name I pray. That's the prayer. It's that simple. So as I pray, let me close in prayer. God, just thank you for pursuing us for as long as you always have. Thank you that your love was something I never had to earn. And I just confess that we often hold the same grace from people that frankly you have already given me. I don't know why, but I keep score. We wait for them to prove themselves first. Just help me not do that. We look for the speck in their eye when I've got a log in my own. And I just pray that you'll forgive me for that. Help me remember that I prayed for forgiveness and you delivered it. Help me pray before I speak. Holy Spirit, do in me what I cannot do in my own strength. I just can't. Teach me to pray before I act, not after. Soften all the hard places and give us the courage to speak, but give us the wisdom to know when to be silent. And for everybody listening who has a relationship that they've maybe given up on, I just pray that you will breathe new life into them today. Show them that that one small step, after they follow you, Christ, that that one small step can have big, big outcomes. Help us trust it and believe it. And then most importantly, act on it. And I pray these in Jesus' name. Amen. That's the best I got, guys. I hope it's helpful. And do something about that. Love is free. Act on it. Until later, I'll talk to you later.